03/08/2025
there’s a lot of comfort in them. to completely reorient yourself in every aspect of your life takes work. it takes attitude. and it’s never worth it to COMPLETELY change everything, you live the way you do for a reason. there’s an element of restraint present.
but in taking a hard pivot, you are required to reflect. in order to discover what is on the other side of the coin, you have to evaluate what is on the side you are looking at. and sometimes it’s not a matter of pivoting forever, i mean, a pivot doesn’t have to be solid like concrete. it’s just a spin of a step. a fluttering of a foot. a pivot is a tool, not a destination.
in a hard pivot, at first it will feel wrong and you will ask yourself why you ever changed at all. you were comfortable, and now you are uncomfortable. but… babe that’s the point! i think “uncomfortable” is an often generalized & scary word (especially on the internet but we don’t have time to get into that today… because i live in real life now and not the internet). we resist uncomfortability for obvious reasons, it’s literally something we don’t like. but, i don’t know, i think there’s something interesting when my life isn’t just sweet saccharine happiness. i like a challenge. i am secretly thrilled and sustained by the struggle. so i take a lot of hard pivots. i have tunnel vision about everything, so occasionally, it’s necessary to swerve my car into the tunnel wall and break through to some adjacent, diagonal tunnel, to get stuck there for a while.
i am taking a few hard pivots, all of which i feel officially started yesterday and today. i really think northernlion was right about getting it twisted. i’ve got that running go-go-go sensation in my body again and it’s probably just because the snow has thawed. thank god. here are some of my pivots: 1.) becoming more independent by moving: this one is technically the scariest pivot of all, but isn’t even really phasing me, i’m just so entirely confident it will happen smoothly. 2.) distancing myself from an unintentionally painful person: okay yeah this one i’ve been in denial about but i think, for the long run, it has to happen. bummer. 3.) artistic comfort zones: this is the one i am the MOST scared of, and it’s one of easiest. it’s a performance installation in the back of a truck. i must ask some specific, embarrassing favors, ones that require me to explain some vulnerability -- GROSS! I DON’T WANNA! but unfortunately my heel has turned and i am committed now to the feeling. and it will feel better on the other side once i get to perform and experience and explain Audrey’s Paradise. more information on that to come.
sometimes you have to hard pivot for a limited time only. sometimes you have to pretend to be the person you wanna be, and try them on like clothes. i am experimenting tonight with an alter ego, but i think i’ll probably leave his clothes on the floor once i’m done. but sometime in may, i believe i might have a whole new wardrobe.